A Hunch should stay a Hunch

Part of the discipline as a coach is to remain on the curiosity side of a conversation with your client so as to be as objective as possible and let your client lead the conversation. More often than not, while we are engaging our clients, we get hunches related to what they are communicating to us. Those hunches, if entertained, sometimes lead us down the road of starting to diagnose and subsequently produce solutions for our client. At this point we have crossed the objectivity line and are no longer coaching but advising.

The best way to prevent ourselves from crossing the line from curiosity to diagnosis is keep hunches as hunches. Its okay to have a hunch that goes something like this: My client just said that they "hate their boss." Sounds like she may have anger issues."  Having such a hunch is okay. In fact in a coaching conversation they happen all the time. The moment we cross the line into diagnosing is when we follow up such a hunch with: If she has anger issues then she will need to find a way to deal with that anger. A good step would be for her to find an outlet for the anger so its not directed toward her boss. Maybe getting out to the gym in the morning and burning off her steam will prevent her getting angry with her boss later."  What just happened was a move from curiosity to diagnosis and from coaching to advising.

Since coaching keeps the responsibility for action on the side of the client, we don't need to follow up our hunches with our own solutions. What we can do is ask questions that keep our hunch a hunch and let the client work out whether its true in their situation and how they then want to respond to it. Following up a hunch can sound something like this: Tell me more about your relationship with your boss? or Have you felt that way before? Responding this way gives the reponsibility to the client to define what they meant by I hate my boss.  Rather than spend energy on following the solution trail to our hunches, as coaches we can learn to take our hunches and pour our energy into crafting questions to get our clients to discover more about their situation. This route can help us organize our thoughts so that we stay focused on our role as coaches and not as advice givers.

In the example I gave, the response from the client might be something like: When I get pressured into doing things I get very anxious and hate feeling that way!  In terms of the initial hunch and the question asked to follow up the hunch, the coach can then think: Hmmm ... so she actually doesn't hate her boss but hates being put into certain situations. I'll ask her about how she wants to deal with such situations.  Because the hunch stayed a hunch, the coach can stay focused on the conversation and keep the client responsible to address their awareness of their situation and encourage the client to come up with solutions to change their experience.

Keep a hunch as a hunch and you'll always keep your coaching conversations focused on the client coming up with a solution to their situation.

Avoiding Backlash

When working with a client in a coaching relationship sometimes a sensitive issue arises in the conversation that the coach wants to ask more about but is hesitant to take the direct approach for fear of backlash. The last thing a coach wants to do is cash in on relational capital by touching on a sensitive issue that gets the client's back up.

In such situations the coach is the best one to determine if addressing the issue is both timely and appropriate. Sometimes waiting and letting the conversation get there from the client's perspective is the best way to deal with it. But if you feel that its very important to address the issue, here are some strategies that a coach can use to soften the direct approach without losing its impact on the client:

• Using the Third Person to ask the Question:  Rather than asking a question directly based on the issue that surfaced, create a third person in the conversation and let that person ask the client the question.  This may sound something like If someone close to you asked you if taking that approach is a good idea, how would you respond? By creating a third person who asks the question, the client's response is solicited toward the third person and not toward you as a coach. The benefit of this is that any possible backlash that may surface from the client will not be directed to you but to the third person you created.  Since its a hypothetical scenario, clients are less likely to take the question personally and more inclined to be objective about it.
• Share a Story:  Maybe there is a story from your own experience as a coach where you were behaving the same way and it turned out to be a challenging but learning experience. This would be a good time to share it.  It will help the client to hear how you worked through a very similar issue in your own life and in response create more authenticity in the conversation that will make them comfortable to dig deeper.
• Connect your Question to the Client's Goals and Values:  If your client has stated some clear values that they live by and their issue goes against their value then simply open up the opportunity for the client to dig deeper by reminding the client of the value and asking them to measure the issue against that value. The same goes for a goal that they have developed with you. If the issue they share is at cross purposes with their goal, make the connection for the client and let them assess whether the issue aligns with their goal.
• I'm on Your Side Technique: If you have had a long standing relationship with the client and they are comfortable with you holding a high degree of trust in the relationship then you can take the standpoint of siding with the client for their own growth.  This could sound something like this, If working through this issue gives you more growth in your life then how would you start dealing with it? Another phrase to describe this approach is the I Believe in You approach. Given the scenario that digging deeper will foster more growth in the client's life, the client is more keen on talking about it.

The Power of Listening!

It almost sounds strange to mention this but the reality is that most of us aren't aware of the power of silence in our relationships with others. That power comes from our ability to listen to someone else. I don't think we quite grasp how significant this truly is.

 

If you're an internal processor like me, [with an introverted personality] you go through all kinds of thoughts and analyze them on a regular basis. Some thoughts you think are good, others you wonder where they came from, and some you dismiss outright. One thing that amazes me is that when I share those thoughts with someone who I know cares and listens attentively to what I have to say, what I thought was "out to lunch" actually begins to make sense. I found myself recently reminiscing about this outcome with another coach.

 

What is it about having someone listen that changes our view on the value of what we're thinking? Of all the elements we attempted to identify, the clear front runner is that of significance. When someone offers a listening ear and lets another know that they care about what is being shared, the words being communicated suddenly become more significant! In fact, when I've been listened to in this fashion, I tend to communicate more intently about what I've been thinking, dreaming, and planning. What we have to offer in this powerful silent posture is verification that what someone is communicating matters. This power of listening causes the one who is communicating to take seriously what they are sharing and tends to take themselves seriously in sharing it. Suddenly a level of legitimacy is attached to what we've been thinking. Its not just in our head anymore. We've risked putting it out there and we give each other the opportunity to validate it.

 

The next time you think twice about sharing what you're thinking, find someone you know who cares about what you have to say and ask them to listen to your idea. You'll be surprised how your evaluation of what you were thinking takes on a different level of importance! What you thought was "far from reality" could suddenly become something as signficant as affecting the very next step you take!